Chase Sunsets, Not Status

Many people have written about achieving a ‘work-life balance’, however, it was a question that was posed to me during the one time so far that I posted ‘ask me a question’ in my Instagram stories…and I am finally getting around to answering that question. 

I can only speak from my perspective as a self-employed individual on this topic, with the awareness that I am also speaking from privilege, and I’m hoping that even with these barriers, something will resonate with you regardless of your perspective. From where I stand, the ‘work-life balance’ is another shame trap designed to perpetuate the mindset that keeps us always feeling not quite good enough (that is, to society’s standards). I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to learn from thought leaders who set the example of living authentically, such as Brene Brown, Evyan Whitney, Tricia Hersey of The Nap Ministry, Glennon Doyle, Rachel Cargle, Layla Fassad, and many, many more. I believe we’re starting to collectively allow our armor of ‘having it all together’ fade away more and more as we open ourselves to vulnerability and stepping into our power.

“Let me be clear – we still live in a world of filters and curation that can disorient our own inner compass at times. This helps us hide our true objectives and even tricks ourselves into thinking we are communicating effectively from an authentic place.”

Don’t get me wrong, filters and curation are some of my favorite ways to express my creativity, but I have to check myself when my feed is filled with individuals ‘killing it’ in all the ways that I wish I would too…but that’s the joke of it…for many, no matter how much we’re killing it, we are not able to see it. So when we see people ‘doing it all’, the best filter to use is the one that knows and remembers the magic of the presentation of selective reality; i.e. social media.

Ok so back to balance…

I don’t believe in a work-life balance…at least not in the way that it’s been observed as of late. I believe in setting boundaries with your time and with your community. I believe that frequent self-reflection and check-ins will give you insight (that you may or may not be able to act on that day depending on your schedule). I believe in frequent time spent in NATURE (you know, outside! Not on someone’s feed). I believe in telling your to-do list to ‘fuck off’ if it means that you’re exchanging that time for something that will enrich your life and your memory bank.

But let’s back up. I come from insatiably hard-working stock; a lineage of individuals who were entrepreneurial as a default. They never stayed down, no matter the challenges thrown their way and they were always able to find comic relief in any situation. These are hard-working, creative people who love to have fun and are able to sit still through a movie maybe once every ten years. I seemed to inherit the insatiably hard-working, creative part but somehow the prioritizing-having-fun part got lost in my DNA somewhere. I, like many, wore my hard-working nature as a badge of honor, that was more like armor for me, as I did not know how to be vulnerable enough to let my Cancerian guard down and let loose with friends and family. It was also one of the main catalysts in my severe health decline at the age of 21, leading to a long journey with Chronic Lyme Disease.

A decade of battling Chronic Lyme Disease, while fronting a burgeoning rock band, starting Hawk Couture, and working a part-time job at MAC cosmetics, left me feeling even more isolated and unfulfilled. I rationalized that I was working hard so that I could enjoy myself later – these were my twenties. What I believed would be the ‘prime of my life’, was spent recovering and coping with Lyme Disease, propping myself up with medication and coffee, continuing to work, work, work, and then sleep, sleep, sleep. It was not a life. When I turned 30, I walked on the beaches of Cape May and made a promise to myself that I would make having fun a priority in my life. I had achieved a lot through all of the hard work and while I wouldn’t take it back completely, I knew that life wouldn’t mean anything to me if I didn’t make playtime, joy, laughter, and connection just as important as achieving milestones and paying bills. 

I have mostly lived up to that promise to myself, although I can easily slip back into the lifestyle of ‘hard work for a good cause’, and forget that playtime is essential to that ‘cause’ as well. So, when I am asked about how I am creating balance in my life, I honestly don’t know that I am or if that’s a real concept for anyone. What I can say is that I am 100% healthier and happier than I was in my 20’s and now, at the age of 37, I am having way more fun and am feeling much more fulfilled. I tend to think of everything in terms of weather- our emotions, our life cycles, the stars, etc. Weather is meant to happen in cycles that create a sustainable environment, it is in knowing how to coordinate and prepare for those cycles, that creates harmony and growth. Our life cycles function in much the same way. 

“I would use the word ‘nourish’ instead of balance. A nourishing lifestyle is one that feeds your energy, keeps your fires stoked, and your vision focused. I am constantly evaluating how I am spending my time and adjusting my schedule so that I can get the projects done that are close to my heart, while also making time to engage in activities that feed my heart and my energy. For me, time spent in nature is at the top of that list, as well as spending time with my partner, friends, and family.”

To create a nourishing lifestyle, identify what feeds you and then create a loose structure of your schedule that incorporates these activities. There will be some non-negotiables; for instance, my Tuesday & Thursday nights are dedicated to Krav Maga & Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training. Some areas will have more flexibility. I try to spend at least a couple hours in nature during the week, but the ways in which I do so look very different week to week depending on the other activities and work I have planned for myself week to week. This can also mean that you devote yourself 100% to a project for an extended period of time, or maybe you devote your free time to being completely unscheduled and ‘unproductive’ for days or weeks at a time. The point is that you check in with yourself often enough to identify what’s needed for your nourishment week by week, moment by moment.

If I am to give any advice, especially for those of us who are self-employed and who have to use the phone quite often, it would be to practice putting the phone down as often as possible. If your kitty wants to cuddle or play, then put your phone down and cuddle or play, at least for a minute or so… same with your partner or your child. While it’s not realistic to do this all the time, the point is that making it a practice to stop what you’re doing and saying ‘I see you’ to the ones you love, as much as you can is often more fulfilling than posting or scrolling. Personally, I’d rather be less ‘successful’ by our traditional success standards, if I know that instead of chasing status and dollars, I am chasing sunsets with the ones I love. Time can pass so quickly and these are the moments that make life meaningful.

I hope this spoke to some part of your heart and I thank you for taking the time to read this musing. Please feel free to send me a message at gretahotmer@yahoo.com with more questions or your own insights on the topic. I value your presence here and sending all the love to you and yours.